The Power of Time Alone
They say you shouldn’t go food shopping on an empty stomach. Well turns out, it’s the same when it comes to dating…
Society can make us feel like being single is something to be ashamed of. Or like we’re a failure for not having a partner at a certain age. But the lesson I learnt? Instead of seeing your single season as the ‘waiting room’, where you’re sat with your life on pause - you fully embrace it and use this time to learn to love yourself and your own company. Then your single time can be a real unexpected gift. It’s an opportunity to find peace and happiness with yourself, helping you to consciously choose a partner from a place of wholeness and completeness, not hungrily seeking someone from a place of lack, desperation and need.
The truth is, we may only be single for a few times in our life. Often when we’ve spent most of our adult lives in relationship, we don’t really know how to operate outside of one, and I realised what an essential skill it is to learn to be okay with being on your own.
Here are 5 ways that you can learn to thrive your time alone:
Do something challenging by yourself.
This might be arranging a solo trip for a week or weekend. It might be attending a social gathering, starting a new hobby, moving to a new area, or going to a gig on your own. By doing something hard that you ordinarily wouldn’t have done by yourself, you will gain strength, courage and confidence. The second positive outcome from this, is that it will help you realise your value as a person. Because if you prove to yourself you can do hard things, you are courageous and you can do things on your own without needing a partner, then THAT makes you powerful. Your bar will rise for what you will accept in a relationship. Because if you can provide for yourself and do all of these things by yourself, then a potential partner is going to have to be pretty special to match what you already bring to your own table.
Understand and learn about yourself.
If I could give any words of wisdom to anyone just out of a relationship, it would be this: stay single for a bit. The truth is, we are always in a relationship with ourselves and it’s the most precious relationship that we’ll ever have, but often its the one that gets most neglected. So the relationship with ourselves is one worth investing in. Instead of rushing into a new relationship to fill the void of the ex-shaped void that’s been left in your life, date yourself for a while. Get to know yourself - What are your values? What didn’t work in your last relationship? What do you need to heal from? What are your goals and mission for your future? What kind of person do you want to become? As soon as you know yourself on a deep level, you will be so much clearer on the kind of partner that will be compatible with you.
Get okay with being single.
Use this time as an opportunity to create a full, vibrant, awesome life for yourself. Don’t waste it searching for someone else to make you happy - find peace and happiness in yourself first. This might include accepting your past and what you can’t change or control. It might mean practicing forgiveness to someone who wronged you. It might look like prioritising your self care and making time to keep your cup full so you can be your best for those around you. It might be taking up a gratitude practice to remind yourself of all that you do have in your life rather than focusing on what you don’t. It might look like consciously talking to yourself like someone you love. It might be starting a new business or a new hobby you’ve always wanted to do. Join a community group like Soulfully Single where you can feel connected with other like-hearted people.
Start validating and loving yourself.
We all need a support system, but sometimes we can be overly dependent on those around us to meet our needs to make us feel loved and validated. For example, do you find yourself scrolling the dating apps for the dopamine high of getting a few new likes? Do you always ask friends for their opinion about something going on in your life? If so, you may find yourself a little too reliant on those around you when it comes to decision making and self soothing. The goal is to achieve balance in your support system, by making yourself a more central part of it. Here are a few ideas:
Before seeking external validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope this person tells me?” Then tell it to yourself.
More often than not, we’re not always looking for someone’s advice or opinion when we go to them with a painful story. We’re looking for them to confirm that we didn’t do anything wrong - or if we did, that we’re not a bad person for it. Essentially, we look for someone else to see the best in us and validate us. The goal isn’t to stop reaching out to others. It’s to practice being there for yourself first.
Get into the habit of asking yourself, “What do I need right now?”
If you’re feeling down, ask yourself: “What does my body need? What does my mind need? What does my spirit need?” Or otherwise expressed: What will make you feel better, more stable, healthier, and more balanced? This is validating and self soothing yourself in action. Whenever you address your own needs, you reinforce to yourself that they are important and they matter and you start to treat yourself like someone you love.
You know, sometimes you just have more important things in life to worry about than finding someone to be in a relationship with. Maybe your focus right now is the relationship with yourself, or spending time with your kids, or nailing that career change. Being in a relationship doesn't have to be a priority in your life at all times.
Of course, you're also allowed to just say "I'm single because I choose to be" and offer no justification.
Your life, your timeline, your rules.
