8 ways to *actually* help a friend through a breakup

Breakups and divorces are common. Recent research in Feb 2023, shows that divorce rates in the UK are estimated at 42%. But for something so common, we are never shown healthy ways to navigate separation and move forward positively, so we can come out the other side thriving and with our sanity intact.

After my divorce, I felt broken.

Yes, it was my decision, but that doesn’t mean it was an easy decision to make, or that I was immune from the subsequent confusing tsunami of emotions that ensued. I was grieving. And grief is unique and multi-faceted and shows up differently in everyone. This means, not everyone needs a tub of Ben & Jerry’s, a bottle of wine and a rom-com to heal. (If only it were that simple!)

I got divorced in my early thirties; a time when all my friends were having babies and progressing happily through the game of life, and I felt like I slid all the way back to square one. Nobody from my friendship group had experienced divorce, so I felt alone, misunderstood, and like they just couldn’t relate to what I was going through. Some of them retreated, (maybe because they didn’t know what to say or how to respond) and some of them stepped up and were the support that I so desperately needed.

Having come out of the other side with a lot of wisdom and learnings, I realised the things that I needed during that time and now I feel so much better prepared to support any friends who might experience this in the future.

I wanted to share these in the hope that they will help you support a friend navigate a breakup or divorce so that you can be the friend that makes them feel loved, seen and understood.

1. Acknowledge that whatever they are feeling is totally normal and valid.

They will be experiencing a rollercoaster of mixed emotions right now: fear, uncertainty, confusion, self-doubt, relief, grief, regret, sadness, hurt…you name it, they’re feeling it. Whatever they are feeling, reassure them it is totally okay to feel as they are and no matter how hard it feels now, it will get easier. Everything is temporary. Be the safe space that allows them to feel and express whatever they are experiencing. In order to heal it, we have to feel it.

2. Check in on them.

Even if it’s just a quick text of “Hey, how are you feeling?” “I’m thinking of you - can I get you anything?” this will let them know you’re there, you care, and they have someone to listen. One small act of kindness can completely change someones day and how they feel. Never underestimate the power of “how are you?”

3. Suggest joining them on a fun activity.

This could be running or joining a dance or circuit class. Not only will it give them a much-needed endorphin boost, it will make you feel good too! My friend joined me on a local ‘Clubbercise’ class where we danced with a pair of glow sticks. In my dark time, this Wednesday night ritual brought me so much joy.

4. Encourage them to treat themselves with love and kindness.

Now more than ever they need to pour love, kindness and gentleness into themselves. Their self esteem and confidence will be low and negative thoughts will be LOUD. It’s so important they nourish their mind, body and soul at this time. It’s easy to neglect all 3 of these things - beating yourself up in your own head, thinking self depricating thoughts, eating food thats bad for you or drinking alcohol to numb the feelings. It could be as simple as saying “be kind to yourself” or “go gentle”. You could send them a fresh healthy food parcel or a self-development book that will support their healing.

5. Avoid boozy nights out (or in!).

As tempting as a big night out might be to take their mind off things, they can unfortunately be counter productive. Alcohol is a depressant. The short-term high of being surrounded with friends and knocking back pornstar martinis, will soon be replaced with an almighty crash when they are back home on their own feeling heightened anxiety and sadness. Suggest coffee, brunch, cooking together, or go alco-free instead.

6. Consistently remind them that they have NOT failed.

This is a biggie. Not only are they grieving the loss of a partner, but often friends and the life they knew. The feeling of failure can be overwhelming. It was one of the heaviest and most challenging feelings and beliefs that I carried after my divorce. It was such a relief to let that go and realise that it would have been a failure to stay in a relationship that no longer felt aligned or fulfilling. Remind them that their relationship is not a reflection of their success in life, they are loved and they matter is one of the most powerful things you can do.

7. Encourage them to spend quality time on their own.

This may sound like an odd one, but constant distraction can be a coping mechanism to avoid facing into uncomfortable emotions, by filling every minute either with people or doing things. Having the space to acknowledge and feel all their emotions is essential to their healing. Spending time alone allows them to get to know themselves and start to re-build the relationship with themselves. Time alone does not need to be lonely. Jay Shetty puts it so beautifully:

“Solitude is the strength of being alone. It’s where we become our best company.”

8. “Do you need me to hear you, help you, or hug you?”

One of the most powerful questions you can ask anyone who is going through a difficult time and is sharing with you about how they feel. Sometimes, there is nothing worse than unsolicited advice when you’re not looking for someones opinion. So it’s helpful to be clear on what your friend needs from you. Maybe they just want you to listen to them without judgment? Maybe they are seeking your advice on what they should do about something? Or, maybe they just want a hug. Asking this question ensures that you are meeting their needs in the way they need in the moment.

Finally, it’s really important that as one of their friends, you take care of yourself and have healthy boundaries in place - you cannot give from an empty cup. Be clear about the time and energy that you have for listening and being there for them. I guarantee that by offering up at least one of these, they will be so grateful and it will go a long way in supporting them through a really tough time and reminded them that they are cared for.

If you want to go the extra mile, share my FREE Healing Heartbreak Workbook so they can take the first step on their healing journey.